Porter MacLeod

The camera cues in on
Porter and Percy sitting on a bench at a baseball game. Porter is regretfully wearing a Rockies ball
cap, and sporting a small banner, which he is supposed to wave when the little
league team scores. Percy is decked out
completely, having Rockies written on his obese stomach.





Porter: Remind me again why I’m doing this, lad.





Percy: It’s for charity, Portah. You know, to help these little kids out. It’s for my hometown too.





Porter: Ah, to help a bunch of illiterate blue collars
raises a bunch more mistakes, eh? Why
don’t they just go and fuck their brother or sister and make some more like
you….WHICH REMINDS ME….





Percy: Not so loud…I know you’re joking, Portah, but
these parents and people in the crowd might not.





Porter: Joking, my ass…Did you happen to see the
promo that Sockfart put up?





Percy: Yeah, what about it?





Porter: I guess you being from this southern town in
the hills of Butt Fucking Egypt don’t see anything wrong with fucking your
sister.





Percy: He really did that? That’s disgusting…





Porter: Well, he claims that they thought they were
brother and sister, but come to find out they’re really not and they fell in
and out of love, lad. It’s just some bad
rip off of a Soap Opera if you ask me.
It’s still incest if the thought of them being your brother or sister is
there. Flat out disgusting, if you ask
me.





Percy: So you don’t agree that anyone is going to
love anyone they choose?





Porter: FUCK NO!
This is a brother and a sister doing the horizontal mambo here…it’s
fucking disgusting! I can maybe, barely,
somewhat understand someone coming from a very, very small town where
everyone’s related and neglect to tell anyone.
But for the love of St. Pete’s ghost, lad….he’s making the big bucks as
a national star for wrestling…I wouldn’t have let that cat of the bag, unless
he’s dying to get some fans in Kentucky or Georgia.





Percy: And what’s wrong with our great state of
Georgia? You say that around here and
people will blow your brains out, Portah…you got to watch what you say.





Porter: Look at that kid when he runs, he looks like
a gimp trying to win the 500 meter dash.





Porter points to a
kid who just batted and made a run to second base. The child’s mother turns around, disgusted at
what Porter just said. Porter smiles and
takes a bite out of his hot dog.





Porter: Eh, she’s better off knowing what her kid’s
defects are anyways. So whenever he
can’t find a girlfriend she won’t be shocked.
Anyways….where were we?





Percy: You were-





Porter: Oh yeah, that’s right…we were talking about
All in the Family here…





Percy: That show wasn’t about incestuous relations,
Portah?





Porter: No, it wasn’t, but evidently they like to
keep it All in the Family from where he’s from.
No wonder he seems a bit odd, his parents were probably siblings
fucking, making some retarded baby batter.
Sounds like something from The Hills Have Eyes. Only without the radiation, and more cousin
fucking…well…sibling fucking…But there is one thing that me and him agree
on…and that one thing alone.





Percy: What’s that?





Porter: That women belong in the fucking kitchen.





A few women in the
crowd turn around scoffing at Porter, Porter shrugs and goes on.





Porter: Did he really expect to get by with the whole
fucking his sister deal? That lad has
some issues if he thought so. He’s
forgotten, or doesn’t even know enough to be wary of who he’s facing,
boyos. Well, Cocktart, I’ll break you in
nicely. I’m not going to go on and wind
myself out by talking about all the thousands of lads I’ve decimated in the
ring. Although that would be nice to
hear again, I’m not going to do so.


You can go ahead and
say I’m overhyped all you want. The hype
they give me here, isn’t anywhere deserving of what I should be hyped,
lad. I’ll clue you in on a little secret
about me…the harder my opponent works, the harder I work. The less effort they put into a match, the
less that I do. It works like that
because there’s no reason in breaking my back for someone who’s not really
counting on making it worth my while.
With you, I don’t see much of an effort to really win this thing, kind
of hypocritical I know but I don’t care, but what I do see is that you are in
for a very, rude awakening.


I may be unimpressive
in your eyes, but in your eyes, your sister is a goddess walking…so….hmm…let’s
think about this for a second, lad.
Who’s really going to listen to you on that one. Beside Dan Kilburn, he’s into that kind of
thing, don’t ask me why, he’s just fucking weird anyways.





A big, burly man in
the crowd stands up cheering for his kid who just hit a homerun, when he does
this it knocks a drink over on Porter’s shoes.
Porter is instantly angry and taps the guy on the shoulder.





Porter: Hey lardtard, do you know what you just did?





Man: What are you talking about?





Porter: You just knocked your fucking soda all over
my shoes…now you can pay one of two ways…buying me a new pair, or stepping out
behind the bleachers with me so I can kick your ass.





Man: Who the hell are you to talk to me that
way? Calm down asshole, it’s a ball game
your going to get dirty, you pansy.





Porter smiles and
acts like nothing is wrong now. He turns
to his side and then throws his drink in the man’s face. Porter kicks him in the stomach and throws
him off of the bleachers. While the man
is on the ground, Porter leaps off of the highest point of the bleachers and
does an elbow drop to the man’s chest.
Porter motions for Percy to come along as the two run and jump in
Percy’s car.





Porter: I hate people like that. No respect for me.





Percy: He probably didn’t even recognize you,
Portah.





Porter: How can you not recognize Porter FUCKING
MacLeod. WHICH REMINDS ME! Call up my lawyer lad…I’ve got a score to
settle.





Percy: What do you mean, you’ve confused me.





Porter: You were born confused, lad. Just get him on the phone and drive to his
office, it’s somewhere close, right?





Percy: Alright, if you say so.





Porter: Alright, now…I’ll clue Shocktart in on
another little thing. Insulting me
doesn’t work…at all. You can waste 12
hours of your life with nothing but constant insults and all it is going to do
is just make it that much more worse for you.
Anything you’re going to say about me, can be, and will be turned
against you, Sisterfucker.


I know my opponent in
the first round was anything but impressive, and as you said a never-was
wrestler. But now, all I’ve got in this
round is a never-will-be who fucks his sister.





Percy: You’re not going to let that down, are you?





Porter: Shut the fuck up and drive…and no I’m
not. And what’s this speaking from
firsthand experience, lad? Is it about keeping
pride intact? I believe you lost all of
that the first time you started undoing your sis’s knickers.





Percy hangs up the
phone and keeps on driving.





Porter: I was a part of last year’s Tournament of
Kings. I dominated that tournament like
no other…just like I’m going to this year.
But unlike last year, I’m going to win this one. I mean hell…look at the talent..well, lack
thereof we have in this tourney. It will
be like pushing an old lady down a flight of stairs…simple.


And another thing,
there’s no one here that can end the career of Porter MacLeod. Especially not you. The only thing that you can come remotely
close to accomplishing around me is making me puke at the thought of you
fucking your own sister.





Percy pulls into the
drive of the office complex where Porter’s lawyer is located. Porter throws open the cardoor and waltzes
right on in. Ignoring the receptionist
he busts into the lawyer’s office. The
lawyer’s head is placed on his desk, sleeping.
He jerks out of his sleep when Porter shoves the door openly
forcefully. Porter takes a seat in front
of the desk and props his feet upon it.





Porter: Having a wet dream, Steve?





Steve: No, why?





Porter: Because that’s the only excuse you could have
not to answer my phone calls. I pay you,
remember? I’ve got plenty of money to
throw around on pukes like you lawyers.





Steve: I’m sorry Mr. MacLeod. What is the problem?





Porter: Jamie Lockheart.





Steve: What about him?





Porter: I want to sue him for copyright
infringement.





Steve: What did he do?





Porter: He calls himself Jamie FUCKING Lockheart.





Steve: I’m not sure I’m understanding where you’re
coming from.





Porter: Were your parents brother and sister too,
lad?





Steve: No, why?





Porter: Just curious.
Anyways, look through your files and find my copyrights. You’ll clearly see that anything in between
your first and last name that has the word or connotations of conjugations of
the word “Fuck” belongs to Porter FUCKING MacLeod.





Steve: This won’t hold up in court.





Porter: And a paraplegic can’t hold a baby. What’s your point, lad?





Steve: Do you have written or visual documentation?





Porter: I’ve actually got both, lad. So, is it a hit?





Steve: You’ll have to give me some time to prepare
for it if you’re serious about it. Are
you serious?





Porter: As a fucking heart attack, I’m serious. Let me know when you’ve got something,
lad.





Porter walks out of
the office building and leans against Percy’s car. He looks around and then continues.





Porter: Now, if you piss me off the right way, I can
be a fucking pain. Lad, you’ve not
pissed me off…yet…But you certainly have the potential, Jamie “I fuck my
sister” Lockheart. I almost forgot about you two having a kid together. Do the world a favor and wrap your tool,
lad. We don’t need anymore inbred
retards running around, there’s enough like you here to take the cake. Hey Percy, ever heard of a Kentucky Virgin?





Percy: Can’t say I know what you’re talking bout,
boss.





Porter: A Kentucky Virgin is a sister who can outrun
her brother.





Percy: That’s disgusting.





Porter: And so is Fucktart.





Percy: You should take it easier on that kid.





Porter: Nah, he thinks he’s got me beat. Nobody takes Porter FUCKING MacLeod for
granted. And I stress the fucking in
that one, just so you know who originated it.
I’m flattered that you use my material, but it’s also illegal to do
so. Nice to know that you couldn’t come
up with it on your own.





Percy: You’re kind of blowing it out of proportion
with the copyright thing, Portah.





Porter: And his sister’s been blowing him out of
proportion for a long time now, apparently.
Listen, I don’t listen or care about what anyone who fucks their own
sister has to say. I could go on for an
hour, in fact I almost have, on how disturbing that really is. Think twice before you let the cat of the bag
on that one from now on, if you value any respect or appreciation in your
future. I should just kick your ass for
fucking your sister. But that would take
the rest of my life twice to kick your ass for as many times as you’ve probably
sacked her.





Porter simply shakes
his head and lights a cigarette out of disappointment and shame.





Porter: Usually this would be the part where I go on
and speak about my future opponents in this thing, but to be honest none of
them deserve my time. I probably won’t
even break a sweat in facing any of them.
The only one I’ll probably put any effort into fighting will be
Sockfart. Simply because of his morals
and values. He just needs an ass kicking
for fucking his sister, and I’m going to give it to him like he gave it to
her…nice and hard, except I’m giving him an ass kicking, not the bone.


Lad, you’ve
disrespected me, and you’ve downed me.
But I quite frankly do not care anyways.
I mean look at you, you could do the world a favor by getting hit
multiple times by a freight train. It
would be best if you just went under the radar after this match. Let everyone forget about you and take your
sister to some dark corner of the world where you can fuck like jackrabbits all
the livelong day and you might not be remembered worldwide as the man that was
beaten down by Porter MacLeod. But the
one thing you will always be remembered by is the sick fuck who shags his
sister.


I’m the Real Deal…and
you’ll be sorry that you crossed me…boyo.





Porter exhales the
puff from the cigarette as he is still shaking his head in disgust. The camera fades.