Joe Mama's So Crazy...

[Joe Mama lays fast asleep on a duct taped recliner when the phone wakes him up.]

Joe Mama: Hello… Sweet, I love doing War Zone!… I love opening matches! I get to set the pace and rile up the crowd for the evening!… Baron Von Delicious? Who’s that?… Oh, my bad. Well, I don’t speak Dutch!… It’s an expression, it means I find his name confusing. Anyway, what’s up with this dude… Really?… No way… You don’t say… Get out of town!… Ok, thanks for the tip… Smell ya later.

[Joe Mama rises from his chair and casually walks over to the fridge. He digs inside and pulls out a carton of orange juice with the pulp in it. He takes a big swig as he shuts the door. He then sprays the OJ on the door and casually slings the bottle across the room.]

Joe Mama: This Barelai guy thinks he’s crazy, huh? Well, he can forget going to the carnival and checking out the funhouse mirrors. This Monday, he’ll be looking across the ring from a bona fide madman.

[Joe Mama kicks a window out of his trailer and climbs out, falling on the ground. He stands up and casually dusts himself off, glancing over at the door with a smile on his face. Joe Mama hops on his bike and pedals three miles into downtown in Parts Unknown.]

Joe Mama: Finally here!

[Joe Mama kicks out his kickstand and walks off, leaving his bike parked in the middle of the street. A car honks and Joe Mama looks back confused. The guy motions to the bike and then to Joe Mama. Joe Mama walks over as the guy rolls down his window.]

Guy: Are you gonna move your bike?

Joe Mama: My bike?

Guy: Yeah, your bike.

Joe Mama: I don’t own a bike!

Guy: I just saw you ride up and…

Joe Mama: I don’t even know how to ride a bike!

Guy: Look, buddy, just move the stinkin’ bike!

Joe Mama: Fine.

[Joe Mama walks over to the bike, kicks off the kickstand, grabs the handlebars and then proceeds to spin it around shot-put style, tossing it a few feet.]

Joe Mama: I wonder if there’s any news of me being crazier than Von’Vicious yet?

[Joe Mama walks over to a newspaper machine and digs in his pocket. He picks out the correct change and inserts it into the machine and takes a step back, a deep breath and punches through the glass, grabbing a paper. Joe Mama examines his bloody hand for a second.]

Joe Mama: That’s gonna hurt in the morning!

[Joe Mama flips open the paper and looks through it, walking down the street. He bumps into several people who look upset at his nature, but Joe Mama pays little attention until he runs into a little old lady. He stops and turns around.]

Joe Mama: Hey, watch where you’re going you crazy coot!

[Joe Mama flips the page as something catches his interest and passersby begin moving out of his way to avoid him.]

Joe Mama: Huh… today’s a good day! My name’s not in the obituary!

[Joe Mama crumples up the paper into one big ball and opens a store door. He tosses the paper inside, then shuts the door and continues on his way.]

Joe Mama: I wonder if people finally realize I’m off my rocker?

[Joe Mama shrugs and continues to walk, stopping at a hotdog vendor’s cart.]

Joe Mama: One hot dog with mustard.

[The man prepares the hot dog.]

Joe Mama: C’mon, plenty of it.

[The man squirts more mustard on the hot dog.]

Joe Mama: Don’t skimp on it, man!

[The man squirts some more on.]

Joe Mama: You call that a lot of mustard?

[The man grumbles and squirts some more on.]

Joe Mama: Too much.

Man: What the hell is wrong with you?

Joe Mama: What the hell is wrong with YOU? I don’t even LIKE mustard!

[Joe Mama laughs at the man and then skips down the street. He spots a mother walking her three-year-old son. He stops and kneels down by the kid smiling.]

Joe Mama: Oh, he’s so cute!

Mother: Thank you?

Joe Mama: Did you name him yet?

[The mother looks confused at Joe Mama who bows to her and then continues walking. Joe Mama walks across a crosswalk as a car slams on it’s breaks and then the driver slams on his horn.]

Joe Mama: Hmm… birds must be mating with the bumblebees!

[Joe Mama continues to walk as the driver climbs out of the car and hurries up behind him. He grabs him by the shoulder as Joe Mama turns around confused.]

Driver: Do you have a death wish?

Joe Mama: You smell like peaches.

Driver: I have a good mind to…

Joe Mama: Look, whatever you do, just don’t punch me in the face. That’s my meal ticket, my man!

[The driver punches Joe Mama in his face. Joe Mama stumbles a bit and digs into his pocket, handing the man a wadded up dollar bill.]

Joe Mama: You just won the grand prize! You’re on The Weather Channel’s new hidden camera show… PUNCH JOE MAMA IN THE FACE! Smile for the camera, bucko!

[The man shakes his head and walks off.]

Joe Mama: Hey, you forgot your dollar!

[The man climbs in his car and drives off as Joe Mama begins chasing him like two or three blocks. Finally, out of breath, Joe Mama gives up and stumbles into a mattress store. Collapsing on the mattress, Joe Mama decides to take a nap. Unfortunately, the salesman wakes him up.]

Salesman: Excuse me sir…

Joe Mama: No, I don’t want to change my long distant telephone company.

Salesman: Sir…

Joe Mama: I said I don’t want your stinkin’ Ohama Steaks!

Salesman: Sir…

[Joe Mama shoots up to his feet.]

Joe Mama: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.

[Joe Mama begins to seethe as the salesman remains calm.]

Salesman: Sir, you’re in a mattress store.

Joe Mama: Oh, well in that case, I’d like a king-sized waterbed bunk bed.

Salesman: I’m afraid we don’t have that in stock and I’m pretty sure they don’t make them.

Joe Mama: Well they should and I think you know why…

Salesman: Why?

Joe Mama: The navy would love ‘em!

Salesman: Uh huh.

Joe Mama: Can I use your phone?

Salesman: If you’ll leave, sure.

Joe Mama: Thanks!

[The salesman escorts Joe Mama to the phone. He picks it up and begins to dial. He shoots the salesman a look and then picks up the phone and walks off a bit.]

Joe Mama: Yeah, Pizza Place? I want three large pizzas… plenty of pineapple, onions, anchovies, olives and don’t hold back on the mustard!

[Joe Mama hangs up the phone and walks back over as the salesman stands there.]

Joe Mama: I called a taxi… they said they’ll be here in like thirty minutes or less…


Salesman: Alright.

Joe Mama: Oops.

Salesman: What now?

Joe Mama: I just crapped my pants.

The End.