I... I... I REFUSE to QUIT!

[Joe Mama lays sprawled out on top the roof of his trailer parked deep in Parts Unknown, wearing his lucky, navy blue bathrobe overtop his white wifebeater and a pair of bright red silk boxers. His left hand contains a can of “Easy Cheese Cheddar ‘N Bacon” and in his right, a can of “Reddi-wip Chocolate”.]

Joe Mama: I’m sore. Scratch that, I have a habit of understating things. I’m bruised. I’m battered. I’m black-and-blue. There is one thing, however, that I am not. I’m not beaten. I stated last week that I would do what I took to advance in the Freddy Blue Finger tournament. I endured physically and mentally what I could and luckily I was able to suffer enough to get by Chris Blue. Speaking of Mr. Static, I stated last week that although I wished physical harm upon him, I didn’t care either way for him. After that match, though, I must say that I have respect for the man. Despite his brashness, he is a true athlete.

[Joe Mama pauses, spraying some “Easy Cheese Cheddar ‘N Bacon” into his mouth.]

Joe Mama: I’m sure most saw me as the underdog last week, but that’s cool. It’s motivation for me. After all, I’d much rather be known as being underrated than overrated.

[The can of “Reddi-wip Chocolate” rises up in Joe Mama’s hand as he puts the nozzle in his mouth and sprays some in.]

I shouldn’t dwell on the past much more, however, there is an old saying that if you don’t pay attention, you’re doomed to repeat it. With that said, I’m sure this week will be similar to last in some ways. For starters, I’m almost positive when I step into the ring with Chance that I’m going to once again be viewed as the underdog. Like I said, though, that’s fine by me. I’m comfortable in that role. In fact, it’s almost as comfy as this sweet cotton bathrobe.

[Joe Mama again switches it up with some more “Easy Cheese Cheddar ‘N Bacon” from the can.]

To be honest, if I were to step away from a third person perspective, I couldn’t really see myself betting against Chance. The man definitely lives up to the moniker of The Samoan Killing Machine. Oh sure, I’m unaware of him actually murdering anyone; but he definitely has killed hopes and dreams. Also, I’d bank on time showing that he’s killed a few wrestlers’ chance, no pun intended, of a long career. This man truly is an unstoppable monster.

Still, I’m gonna have to try my damnedest.

[Keeping with the changeup, Joe Mama squirts more of the “Reddi-wip Chocolate” whipped cream in a can into his mouth.]

I’m definitely going to have to bring my “A” game at War Zone, especially since I’m going to have the daunting task of trying to make a man roughly twice my size say those two infamous words. Growing up here in Parts Unknown, I’ve bared witness to what happens during these matches… it’s not pretty. Again, I apologize for understating this. A match like this takes things beyond what’s usually associated with competition. We’re not just athletes and we’re not just wrestlers… we’re fighters. “I Quit” forces two men to wage war against each other in a level of intensity beyond aggression. This kind of battle digs deep down into the realm of ultra-violence.

I’ve wrestled for the past three years. I need to keep reminding myself that this week, I can’t climb into that ring as a wrestler. I need to step into that arena as a warrior, ready to die for what I believe in… and what I believe in, deep down inside, is that I am capable of victory. I can defeat a monster. After all, David took out Goliath… The Achaeans defeated the Trojans with a wooden horse… and the tortoise beat the hare.

[Joe Mama rises to his feet and walks across the roof of his weather-beaten trailer, until he’s standing near one of the edges. From there, he empties the rest of the Easy Cheese into his mouth, followed by the rest of the Reddi-wip. He throws his arms straight out, releasing the fans as they soar down to the ground. Staring straight ahead, he lowers his arms and begins to speak again.]

I have to get geared up. I gotta be ready. I can’t let all of the fans down. They’re paying to see a show… They’re paying to see blood… They’re paying to see the best of the best… They’re paying to see the JWF… and DAMNIT, I’M GONNA GIVE THEM EVERYTHING LAST BREATH AND EVERY LAST DROP OF BLOOD I HAVE IN MY BODY.

[With that said, Joe Mama throws his arms out again. Taking two steps forward, Joe Mama makes a small leap and swan dives off the roof into a large pile of leaves. He lays there face down as the camera fades out on him.]